My Final Heaven.

Ever since I was a wee-bit of a boy, I’ve always had this “obsession”, I guess you can call it, with this term I had read in a book or game of some sort. It’s been so long I really can’t remember where exactly I first heard it although I do know it’s mentioned in Final Fantasy VII. (Wonderful Story. I woke up this morning with a slight hangover… you see late late last night I decided to bury my sorrows in a couple glasses of vodka. Smart? Not at all. Actually, it’s pretty fucking stupid and is a huge step backwards for me as I was doing well staying away from the devil’s drink… but I didn’t overdo it. I didn’t get drunk, and I didn’t act stupid. I just talked to my best friends and relaxed. And it was nice. Anyways, I digress.

I woke up and realized that it was time. All good things come to an end I suppose. So this, I’m afraid, is my Swan Song.

Where exactly does the term Swan Song come from anyways? Thank God for trusty Wikipedia... The phrase “swan song” is a reference to an ancient belief that the Mute Swan (Cygnus olor) is completely mute during its lifetime until the moment just before it dies, when it sings one beautiful song.^[1]
So.. there you go.

I’m crying as I type this. Pretty hard actually… it’s 653am, the sun is up and the birds are singing outside my window. But fuck me, I am crying like a bitch… Not condusive for typing when you wear glasses. I need to finish this.

Did I ever tell you how I met Jessica Mr. Internet? No? Well I met her on Eharmony.com. Yeah, it sounds fucking stupid I know, but yes that is where we met. She was trying to get a refund on the whole thing because she felt it was a scam after all, and I was just seeing what the whole rave was about. And then we started talking. It was over the span of a long time actually, as neither of us really checked the Eharmony thing frequently.. I think for both of us it was just a stab in the dark as a whole. Both of us really didn’t expect for anything of substance to occur… but it did. Soon enough we met in person and the whole roller coaster started.

I never expected to have the best weekend of my life in New Mexico. Really. A little town named Las Vegas, which causes you to think of casinos and all, but it was really a small quiet place. We spent the weekend there at a Days Inn (I still have the card) and had a blast. We made love, we BBQ’d in a severe thunderstorm in the middle of a lake ( SO fucking romantic, god it was so great) we walked amongst the outdoor swapmeet and watched people sell rocks lol, She got drunk (she’s so cute when drunk, there was a small incident when she thought using a screwdriver to open a bottle of wine was the greatest idea EVER), she got sunburned (white girl), and I ended up leaving in the middle of the night to get her medicine. It really was an amazing weekend. Upon getting home I found a note in my bag that read this… :

Hey,

I’m sure you’re home now… which is pretty sad. I just wanted to tell you that I am absolutely in love with you. This was the BEST (underlined) weekend ever. I’m going to miss you more than you can imagine, I don’t want to wake up without you by my side. I truly do hope we end up spending the rest of our lives together. I love you!

Love, Jess.

Written on a piece of Days Inn stationery.

So yeah, now I’m crying even harder. The quiet kind with a bit of high pitched hitching of my lungs for breath, it’s actually kind of gross and pathetic. But I really need to finish this…..That was the highlight of our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, there was tons of beautiful moments throughout, but if I could only keep 1 memory forever.. that would be it. Storrie Lake, New Mexico. Which brings me to the point of this writing.

This blog is at an end. I started this blog because of Jessica… whilst i’ve always been a “writer” she was the inspiration for me to pick up the proverbial pen and start again. I know she’ll read this eventually, and I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Jessica, You were truly a divine inspiration in my life. You gave me the courage to love myself again. I am a better man because of you. But our story, while lovely at times, has ended.  These writings started with her and now they end. I’ve no interest in trying to express my emotions through writing while I know that everything I say she will read and possibly be hurt by… I think we’ve hurt each other enough. I never wanted to hurt you at all =*( I’m just a stupid fucking human who makes shitty mistakes. I am so so sorry for hurting you =(

So, I’m off. To look for happiness, to find solace, to find peace… whatever you want to call it. As eloquent as I wanted this post to be I realize it’s a jumbled mess of random banter, but oh well. All any of us want is to be happy. To feel like no matter what we do, someone is going to love us just for being us. It’s the golden dream…

To anyone who ever read my crap, thanks. I hope you too end up finding your final heaven.

Take Care.

Revelations.

Phyxius *red+u says (2:25 PM):
im so fucking stressed out.
Phyxius *red+u says (2:25 PM):
i was doing perfectly fine.
Phyxius *red+u says (2:25 PM):
and then shit like this happens.
? says (2:25 PM):
dont let it get to ya
Phyxius *red+u says (2:26 PM):
dude, she said she wanted a break from US so she can work on things.
Phyxius *red+u says (2:26 PM):

how the fuck is playing WoW good for US? ignoring the problems was our first mistake, and shes just going to ignore them again by using wow as an escape.

? says (2:26 PM):
you guys are done arent you?

? just sent you a nudge.

Phyxius *red+u says (2:27 PM):
she keeps saying No, she just wants a break to work on things.
? says (2:27 PM):
do you think things are gona work?
Phyxius *red+u says (2:27 PM):
i wanted them to.
Phyxius *red+u says (2:27 PM):
but she’s just killing me
? says (2:27 PM):
then call it quits i thought you guys were done lol
? says (2:28 PM):
a break is a nice way to say were done but maybe in the future we can talk
Phyxius *red+u says (2:28 PM):
you think so?
? says (2:28 PM):
I think if you guys were gona work it would
Phyxius *red+u says (2:28 PM):
=(
? says (2:28 PM):
lol you know that though
Phyxius *red+u says (2:29 PM):
i guess.
Phyxius *red+u says (2:29 PM):
im hurtin bad man.
Phyxius *red+u says (2:29 PM):
this fucking sucks.
? says (2:29 PM):
>< that sucks
Phyxius *red+u says (2:29 PM):
im not gonna kill myself or anything
Phyxius *red+u says (2:29 PM):
but inside, im fuckin hurtin you know?
? says (2:29 PM):
ya prob shouldnt beast yourself lol
Phyxius *red+u says (2:30 PM):
this is something I really really wanted.
? says (2:31 PM):
ya…

I Can’t Breathe.

Knives. Sharp talons just piercing inside of me. Hearts beating fast, my eyes are clenched shut… no tears no tears no tears.

I can’t breathe. God it fucking hurts so much.

Unexpected Suprises.

I received an email today from an old friend… It was a rather blunt piece of writing and the word “hate” was thrown around a couple of times but hey! We new that was coming. I don’t believe I’ve ever been bitched out quite so adeptly before.

But, what was said was honest. And it was something I really, really, needed to hear from the last person on earth I expected to hear from ever again.

I’m still a bit shocked from the letter still. Actually, I’ve been rocked to my core.

What an unexpected suprise.

Mr. Internet, You Silly Fuck…

Ah, how is this for a familiar place to be?

Life has thrown more than a fair share of troubles at me this year and once again, I find myself at the end of a relationship amidst it. Once more I’ve made my share of mistakes and once more has the situation been taken out of my hands. Once more has there been a time when I needed the person I hold closest to be there for me… and once again have I been proven a fool for actually believing I could depend on someone. Ha!

Who am I kidding? I’m apparently not the relationship type. You see I have this problem. The women I’m with always say I’m wonderful… always compare me to past relationships or others they see and say “I’m lucky”. I don’t say this out of arrogance, I say this out of confusion. Because when shit actually comes down to it and it’s do or die, this “wonderful” guy gets fucked. Again and Again.

Is it because I’ve always been the proverbial nice guy? The guy with a cape? The Sucker? As my ex-wife called me before I went into a relationship with her, Captain Save-a-ho? I’ve always gone the extra distance in my relationships. I’ve done the long distance thing (more than once), I’ve traveled, I’ve fought, I’ve gone to church for Christ sakes and I’m fucking agnostic… I’ve done my best.

And it’s never enough.

I was once told by a co-worker ( who was in her midthirties at the time) that I should never get into a serious relationship until I was well into my late twenties, because no young woman would ever know how to truly appreciate what they had until they’ve gone through hell. God, somedays I wish I would have listened to her.

This latest endeavor into the voyage of love leaves me … cynical. As was said in Moulin Rouge (great movie, albeit a bit corny), it would appear I’ve been “cured of my ridiculous obsession with love”.

So, here we are Mr. Internet you skanky bitch. We’re a bit older, a bit wiser… but still waiting for that damn Bus.
We’re here at a crossroads. Again!! So, Mr. Internet you silly fuck…

Where do I go from here?

I find it quite funny…

…how a girl breaking up with a guy can tell him he’s being too negative about the situation.

So this is how the world works boys and girls. You find a man/woman… and you love them as best as you can. If you truly cherish their arms around you, you fucking love them the best way you know how. Mistakes will be made. Wounds will be created.

But if you’re going to love, then fucking LOVE. Or else you’re making a mockery of the very thing you once swore you believed in.

Once again life has proven to me that it’s a bitch.

Cicatrix Manet~ - The scar remains. Has it ever been so deep as it is this night?

Word Association!

Jessica used to have a blast doing these things. Besides the ones she did on her own, she used to instant message a word to me and then I’d get yelled at for taking to long to respond, lol. Anyways, Yes, I stole this idea from YOU Jess.

This current list of words was taken from http://oaks.nvg.org/eg4ra10.html.

The stimulus word list below is of the 1908 form and presented by E. Cohen (157-58).

Stimulus word list - First Word is Given, Second Word the Response

1. Head-Blowjob
2. Green-water
3. Water-taste
4. Sing-song
5. Death-space
6. Long-drive
7. Ship-wreck
8. Count-dracula
9. Window-washer
10. Friendly-neighbor
11. Table-salt
12. Question-answer
13. Village-elder
14. Cold-flu
15. Stem-plant
16. Dance-hall
17. Sea-serpent
18. Sick-Frank
19. Proud-Me
20. Cook-Fish
21. Ink-pen
22. Evil-Angel
23. Needle-Thread
24. Swim-Faster
25. Trip-Fiesta
26. Blue-Book
27. Lamp-Shade
28. Sin-Evil
29. Bread-Pan
30. Rich-Poor
31. Tree-Hammock
32. Stick-Stone
33. Sympathy-Empathy
34. Yellow-Brick
35. Mountain-Man
36. Die-Hard
37. Salt-Sugar
38. New-Guinea
39. Moral- Integrity
40. Pray- Hard
41. Money-Loss
42. Stupid-Bitch
43. Magazine-Cover
44. Despise-Me
45. Finger-Licking
46. Expensive-Jewelry
47. Bird-Sing
48. Fall-Down
49. Book-Report
50. Unjust-Wisdom
51. Frog-Song
52. Divorce-Papers
53. Hunger-Strike
54. White-Wedding
55. Child-Monkey
56. Attend-Meeting
57. Pencil-Dick
58. Sad-Panda
59. Prune-Juice
60. Marry-Me
61. House-Arrest
62. Dear-God
63. Glass-Candle
64. Dispute-Divorce
65. Fur-Coat
66. Big-Ass
67. Turnip-Mushroom
68. Paint-Ball
69. Part-Two
70. Old-Man
71. Flowers-For Algernon
72. Hit-Me
73. Box-Seats
74. Wild-Flower
75. Family-Fued
76. Wash-Wipe
77. Cow-Dung
78. Foreign-Language
79. Happiness-Loneliness
80. Lie-Detector
81. Decorum-Furniture
82. Close-Call
83. Brother-Where art thou
84. To fear-Me
85. Stork-Babies
86. Wrong-Doing
87. Anxiety-Attack
88. Kiss-Me
89. Fiance(e)-Why
90. Pure-Cocaine
91. Door-Bell
92. Choose-Me
93. Hay-Fever
94. Satisfied-Sex
95. Scorn-Me
96. Sleep-Anxiety
97. Month-Time
98. Pretty-Woman
99. Woman-Beauty
100. Scold-Child

Why I Love The Beach…

Everybody needs an escape. A place of solace, solitude, and safety. Where one can throw one’s arms wide, lift your face to the sky and feel the warmth of the sun. The gentle spray will settle on your skin, the resounding cascade of sound as the waves tumble along the shore, the scent of the sea vibrant and alive as it flows into your soul merging all at once the spiritual and the physical.  The ethereal.

For me, the ocean has always been my solace. I grew up 20 miles away from the coast of California and whenever asked of my hometown I’ve a mind to say Newport. Or Santa Monica. Malibu, Redondo, Santa Ana, Huntington, Laguna, Seal, Costa Del Mar…. it is in these places that I have truly grown. As a child and as a man. It has always been, and always will be, my sanity. My shelter from the rain, my wellspring of strength, my confidant, my mentor. It is the utmost representation of beauty and love in my eyes. This is where I have always found my way.

It’s been way too long, old friend.

If There Be Sorrow

If there be sorrow
let it be
for things undone…
.undreamed
..unrealized
…unattained
to these add one:
Love withheld…
… restrained

-Mari Evans

Let’s Call It Buford.

I think Buford is a better title than EBE (Extraterrestrial Biological Entity) , don’t you?

If you haven’t heard, a man named Stan Romanek believes he has captured proof of just that. His associate, Jeff Peckman, is currently trying to lobby for an E.T. Affairs committee to investigate alien activity within the state of Colorado. All I have is one question:

How do I join?  Seriously, I’ve got a shitload of foil I can use to make armor.

The actual video has only been shown to the media, once, and will be released to the rest of the world in about a month. They have, however, released a still image from the actual footage:

Looks like a “Punisher” T-shirt hanging from the window to me.

In the interest of being fair, I will say that the past few years governments all over the world have been releasing thousands upon thousands of pages information related to UFO / E.T. phenomena. Recently the United Kingdom joined that list and shortly thereafter the Vatican decided to let everyone know that it’s ok to believe in aliens. An interesting co-inky-dink.